No matter how successful someone is, there can be feelings of not deserving what we have, particularly for women!
I follow a number of highly successful dressage (horse dance) riders. I marvel at their beautiful horses and their successes on the show grounds and with their clients. One of them is a very accomplished rider, she learned under the tutelage of two of the most successful dressage riders of the last 20 years and they both adore her. A rider of the Pan Am games, she has been teammates with all the Olympic riders who have brought us medals the past few games. She had an interesting post where she explained that one of her clients printed her logo on her show stalk regalia, something she had never had the courage to do. This picked my interest: someone who is quite a successful trainer in Wellington (the world mecca for dressage and show jumping) and trains every summer with the #2/3 rider in the world, has loyal clients (in Wellington it is very easy to go knock next door if the trainer doesn't deliver) does not feel confident to have her logo printed on her stall curtains? I go to schooling shows where much less skilled trainers have got a whole lounge printed with their colors and feel no shame about their riding and clients’ riding!
How is that possible? I have a theory. To get proficient at something, especially something involving horses (they are experts at finding flaws and taking advantage of them) we have to be humble because horses do not lie. We must not only accept criticism but look for it so we can correct and improve. That is the only way with music, with dance, with everything where all flaws are easily visible.
But the other side of being humble and wanting to improve is that we often think we are not good enough, or that our successes and driven by chance rather than by hard work, talent and intelligence (a bit luck never hurts of course). To be able to balance humility and a healthy sense of self-worth is a difficult art.
Our ego manipulates us. But can we manipulate our ego so we can both take criticism and work hard to improve and yet feel we deserve what we have and deserve to thrive and succeed even more than currently? And can we then not fall into the trap of entitlement and pretention?
The answer lies in adjustment. Our cells are constantly renewing, shedding, dying and renewing again. Our brain constantly creates new connections, gets rid of old connections, strive for efficiency. We are mistakenly taught to strive for peace, happiness, and evenness of mind. But life is not like that, we are like the waves of the ocean, we go up and down, we recalibrate, we change. Just like Goldilocks who tried a bed that is too big, a bed that is too small, a drink that is too hot, and one that is too cold, we are sometimes pretentious and entitled, sometimes overly humble, sometimes underachievers. It takes a lot of swinging between too much and too little for the pendulum to find the right balance, until it gets out of whack again. This keeps life interesting. Let’s cherish who we are, with our impostor syndrome, and our overly self-confidence. They make us who we are, and they give us opportunities to better ourselves.
Did you find yourself in the above words and do want help to reach balance with your own pendulum? There are many techniques and tools that make the swaying more manageable Few people are born mastering those, most of us learned during the course of our lives and so can you! Reach out if you want to know more!